I have chronic severe clinical depression.
Depression is one of those things that you really don't get unless you've gone through it or someone close to you has. People seem to think that clinical depression is similar to when they've felt really sad or gone through a rough period. It's really not.
Here are of couple of ways I describe my depression to people.
1. Molasses
Imagine that you wake up in the morning and you have to go somewhere to get everything done that you need to do. Yeah, I know, that's how everyone's life works, but stay with me here. Now imagine that all the air around you has turned into molasses. Every single movement you try to make is made so much harder by trying to move through the molasses. You can't build up any momentum no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to. Even a small thing like checking your email on your phone or trying to text someone feels like too much because of the molasses that surrounds you and slows you down. Trying to go to work or take your kids to the park seem impossible. So after doing what would seem to anyone around you like not much at all, you go back to bed or back to the couch to rest.
Some days the molasses isn't as thick (maybe more like a smoothie) and you're able to do more before you run out of energy. But still you run out of energy because it doesn't matter how strong you are, you will fatigue.
2. Walls
Now, imagine that you wake up and there are walls surrounding you. Today the walls are three-feet tall. Not insurmountable, but it takes more effort than normal to get going. Then, once you get going, it's not that hard to keep moving, you just had to get over that wall.
The next day those walls are 30 feet of smooth concrete. Not a foothold, handhold, ladder, or rope in sight. It doesn't matter who you are, how strong you are, what you've done to prepare for that day, there is no way you are going to climb those walls. It's not humanly possible. So you lie down because what else can you do.
The day after that the walls are so short that they are barely even visible. It takes no extra effort to get going, to do anything that day. You go about your day like a normal day, as you didn't have to worry about the walls the day before.
There is no way of knowing or controlling how tall the walls will be. You have to wake up each morning and see what is in front of you. You try to plan ahead when you can and hope that people will understand if the walls are too tall on that day.
Depression makes living my life, raising my kids, going to work, infinitely harder. Depression fogs my vision and makes it hard for me to see what I should be grateful for. Depression weighs down my limbs and makes it hard to play with my kids.
I take medication, I see a therapist, I exercise as much as someone with three kids and a job can, I try to find joy where I can, but there are still times when everything is too much. Sometimes I run out of energy and can't make myself do one more thing, play one more game, color one more page, answer one more email. That's when I have to hope that Husband can help pick up the slack, that my kids will forgive me, and that my job can wait.
Because there is nothing else I can do.
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